Saturday, 17 February 2007

I love my cocaine

Ever since I returned to being single last year, I have been waking up at leisure except on days when I have a shoot. Valentine's Day was different. I was woken up pretty early to the sound of my cell phone intimating me of an sms. My text message alert audio is the blood-curdling screech of a women probably being murdered - a sound sample from the movie Psycho . I'm sure you can visualise that it wasn't a very pleasant way to find out that some sweetheart was thinking of me. And then there were more messages. After responding to every one of them, I started reminiscing about my first brush with love.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love being in love. Its the most unexplainable feeling, a feeling of perpetual high. I know that you have heard this from hundreds of others before, but what is intriguing is that even today, each time I fall in love, I still feel the same way I did years ago in school. I vividly remember the day I walked this cute girl home after we went out to the cafe to celebrate my birthday. She kissed me on my cheek right outside her house. She was my first girlfriend and that was my first romantic kiss. I can never forget it. I couldn't sleep the whole night. I kept breaking into duets in my mind and pictured myself in a grand music video running around trees with her. I was all of seven years that day.

We held hands and walked in parks a few more times till one fine day she dumped me for this other boy who had an Atari video game console. After that she wouldn't smile at me when we met in the playground and worse still, she was holding the other boy's hand. I was heartbroken. I soon realised that a girl could leave you for another guy if he had something more to offer than you did - I learnt pretty early.

I have no grudges when my woman chooses someone else over me, it's only human. A woman is supposed to look out for the best among men to satisfy her needs, material or physical. Similarly a man will look for as many women as he can try and impress. It would be a lie to say that the search ends one day. He will never find the ultimate love of his life, because each time he meets someone new its better than the last. Biologically he will keep searching. So don't beat the system.

As I grew older, 'Atari' changed form into cycles, motorbikes and fancy cars. Years have passed by since then and many girlfriends later, its still the same story. I know the sequence well. Faces change, names change, duration of the relationship differs but the script remains the same. Sometimes I am the boy with the 'Atari' and at other times not. Before long I was addicted to this game. I loved the chase and the triumph at winning the girl's heart.

Many years ago I was initiated into becoming 'doubting Thomas' by a number of books. One among them was 'I'm OK, You're OK' and I'm sure most of you would have read it. It was my first step into the world of 'transactional analysis' and it helped me understand, why I thought the way I did. Before long I would try and decipher each emotion as I experienced it, till I read a chapter on 'tracking one's feelings'. The idea was simple, why stop enjoying the moment when you are in the midst of something that's making you happy. I no longer pause to think when I'm experiencing pleasure. I just do it. It's my cocaine.

14 comments:

dharmabum said...

this post reminds me of the book 'casino royale' that i recently read. (though in the case of bond, there is hardly any love!) especially the parts where the bond character and his affinity for women is explained.

am quoting flemming from that book for u -

"with most women his manner was a mixture of taciturnity and passion. the lengthy approaches to a seduction bored him almost as much as the subsequent mess of disentanglement. he found something grisly in the inevitability of the pattern of each affair. the conventional parabola - sentiment, the touch of the hend, the kiss, the passionate kiss, the feel of the body, the climax in the bed, then more bed, then less bed, then the boredom, the tears and the final bitterness - was ti him shameful abd hypocritical. even more he shunned the mise en scene for each of these acts in the play - the meeting at the party, the restaurant, the taxi, his flat, her flat, then the week-end by the sea, then the flats again, then the furtive alibis and the final angry farewell on some doorstep in the rain."

as for me, i wonder if it is love, or is it just lust...?

Inna said...

Yes, really. Being hurt once, you do not want to be hurt again and again.
So, what does it mean "falling in love" by you? May be it is more of using a person for your soul and physical needs?

Adithya said...

dharmabum,

That's a very flattering comparison. I believe there is a fine line between love and lust. At times I too am unable to make out the difference. Though I do know that in some cases I wish to see the lady more than once... now how do I define that :)

My answer, if you enjoy it, continue doing it..

cheers!

Adithya said...

Inna,

'using a person for your soul and physical needs', is too strong a comment. When two people come together, its always a give and take.. both benefit.

Sometimes things dont work out, but you cant stop trying just because you got hurt. That's the reality we have to accept and soon its not so bad :)

Cheers!

dharmabum said...

more than once? sure, it happens with me too...
but then, the 3rd, 4th, ...5th time, and i can't take it much longer :((

wildflower said...

indulge urself, get enuf f it...n u l get rid f it...

Adithya said...

dharmabum, where there's a will there 's a way :)

Adithya said...

wildflower,

You make it sound like its a toy :) I cant clearly figure out what the tone of your statement is, but I see you concurring with me.

You must 'indulge urself'. That is giving 100% to the relationship. You should 'get enuf f it'. That's enjoying 100% from the relationship. 'n u l get rid f it..'. This you must if the juice is over. No point hanging on to something when there is nothing to put in or take out.

Cheers!!

Ajay said...

Atari eh? You know there seems to be a flaw here. I don't remember chics going goo goo over video games. It was only the guys who would want to be best friends with the dude who had the game. Where were you growing up again? Dubai?

Adithya said...

AJ, ever hear of girls who like cars and bikes?

Ajay said...

Cars and bikes are fine and it is a stereotype. It was only the Atari business that seemed off.
To be fair to women though, what I have seen and experienced is that the main motivation for a woman to leave her man (self included) has never been more about security emotional or financial. While as guys we like to say he had a better car which is why she left me, but I have seen loads of lebanese here driving BMWs and have over due bills on their credit cards, those are not the men women are leaving their partners for. It is more about the dude who exhibits security more than anything else.
I could go on but then long posts are boring

wildflower said...

loved this, i like the way you write!

Adithya said...

Thank you wildflower... looks like we are both awake in the dead of the night

Dissillusioned Caffine Addict said...

Yeah The ATARI syndrome...i was more of the Daily Twix Bar Syndrome victim....all i could afford was to share a daily dose of chips....

Yea after all these years its still the same script but different casts...i guess that why i kinda have a dislike for Twix, Hero Honda CBZ, TGIF etc etc :P